Pastoral Chat on Marriage, Sin, and Forgiveness

Have you ever wondered what makes a truly Christian marriage different? As a pastor who came from a broken home, I’ve spent years pondering this question. The answer, I’ve found, lies not in avoiding conflict altogether, but in how we handle the inevitable moments when sin enters our relationships. Let me share some hard-earned wisdom about marriage, sin, and the transformative power of forgiveness.

A Tale of Two Sinners

When I counsel engaged couples, I often recommend a book called “When Sinners Say I Do.” The title captures a profound truth: marriage unites two imperfect people. As I like to joke, “If you’re single and live alone, there’s one sinner in your house. Get married, and suddenly there are two!” 

This reality hit home early in my own marriage. Our first argument? Whether or not to have a junk drawer in the kitchen. It sounds trivial now, but at the time, it felt monumental. I remember telling my discouraged wife, “Honey, it’s not whether or not we’re going to disagree, but it’s going to be how we handle those disagreements.”

Little did I know how prophetic those words would be. After 35 years of marriage, I can testify that conflict is inevitable. The question is: will we let those conflicts destroy us, or will we allow them to drive us deeper into the grace of the gospel?

The Corrosive Power of Unforgiveness

When we choose not to forgive, several dangerous things happen:

1. Satan gains a foothold. 2 Corinthians 2:10–11 warns us, “Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive… so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his devices.” Unforgiveness gives the enemy a prime opportunity to wreak havoc in our homes.
2. We break fellowship with God. Jesus taught in Mark 11:25–26, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Our vertical relationship with God is intimately tied to our horizontal relationships with others.
3. Bitterness takes root. Hebrews 12:15 cautions, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
4. We deteriorate physically. Proverbs 17:22 observes, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Harboring resentment and anger takes a very real toll on our bodies.

The Heart of Gospel Forgiveness

So how do we cultivate a forgiving spirit in marriage? We must look to the example of our Savior. In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus tells a powerful parable about a servant who was forgiven an enormous debt (equivalent to millions of dollars today) but then refused to forgive a fellow servant a much smaller amount.

The lesson is clear: we who have been forgiven so much by God have no right to withhold forgiveness from others. As Ephesians 4:32 exhorts us, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

This doesn’t mean we forget or excuse sin. Rather, true forgiveness says:

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

Putting It Into Practice

So how do we live this out in the nitty-gritty of everyday married life? Here are some practical steps:

1. Remember God’s forgiveness. When tempted to hold a grudge, recall the immense debt Christ has forgiven you.
2. Extend compassion. Look at your spouse through the lens of God’s mercy, not your own hurt feelings.
3. Address issues promptly. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).
4. Communicate clearly. Learn to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” These nine words can transform your marriage.
5. Seek the Spirit’s control. A Spirit-filled marriage looks radically different than one controlled by the flesh (Galatians 5:16-26).

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection, but Christlikeness. As you grow in forgiveness, your marriage can become a powerful picture of the gospel to a watching world. After all, it’s not about having a perfect past or being a perfect spouse. It’s about allowing the perfect love of Christ to shape how you love each other, especially in those moments when it’s hardest to do so.